You Should Have Said Something

 “That sounds like something you should’ve said.” Canadian singer Terri Clark sings these lyrics in a song by the same name.

I was thinking about her message as a week long series of planning meetings came to an end at my school this week. One of the major topics discussed was the use and misuse of language by high school students. During a morning session on this topic, one participant suggested that sometimes good ideas come into our minds after the formal discussion is over, so there needs to be a way to include those good ideas in the mix. It gives participants a chance to say what they should have said but didn't.

Social media vehicles like twitter, blogger, Facebook and others are a great way to share ideas, but the question is: why wait? Is there something changing in our social culture that encourages us to hold back from talking with one another face to face, then grumbling later, “I wanted to say (or I should have said), such and such.”

The irony at my meeting was that even though we had talked about the importance of teaching young people to be courteous with language and to be courageous enough to confront wrong actions when they see or hear about them, when such an action occurred in our own meeting, nobody (including me) said anything.

Why (I wondered afterwords) didn’t I say something? Was it that I did not think that the statement was wrong at the time? Did I think that such a statement might have gone unnoticed by everyone else so I was afraid to be the lone critic? Why didn’t anyone step up to defend the person who was spoken to in an insensitive way?

After our meeting was over, one colleague took me aside and said privately, “Where does [person’s name] get off making that outrageous comment?” Moments later, another colleague said, “I wanted to smack that guy!” Awhile later the offended person said, “I would never let anybody talk a colleague of mine that way.”

Ouch!

Perhaps social media is changing the ways we interact with one another so that those of us who have been taught to risk courageous actions are learning a safer, gentler skill: run and hide now; attack from the anonymity of the cyber jungle later.

Perhaps I was afraid of being the lone challenger that day, or I was too concerned about avoiding an awkward, face-to-face argument, or, even more alarmingly, I have lost my ability to support and be supported by others in the heat of the battle.

This lack of immediate response to wrong actions is evident in the recent reports from former employees of Rupert Murdoch’s "News of the World" troubles. Some claim now that they knew about the “serious wrongdoing that occurred,” but were intimidated by the power of their bosses, and did not want to risk losing their jobs or their opportunities for advancement, so they kept quiet. Now that the story has been exposed, it seems these same folks have a lot to say.

How ironic. Yes, I admit, you have got me on that score.

Changes in the ways we interact socially, communicate professionally, problem solve and collaborate as leaders, are not always for the better. I know that if someone in a faculty meeting were to say to me or a colleague, “Your opinion is limited because you are an aging, Italian, ignoramus,” I would fight back. I would expect to have the support of at least one other colleague, because that kind of language is just plain wrong.

But the fact is that hurtful things are said all the time in meetings, at family gatherings, in school dorms and locker rooms, and no one speaks up. Why? Maybe it is because we are unsure whether the measure of the language used meets the “that’s offensive” limit on the abusive language meter.

Try these real quotes on for size:

Teacher: “Does anyone else have a stupid question to ask?”
Student: “Wow, that's an encouraging thought."

Athlete: “Get tough, you wimp.”
Teammate: “F*@k; off, you silly moron.”

Faculty Member: “The kids today are a bunch of spoiled, lazy brats.”
Administrator: “Don’t waste my time with broad, sweeping statements like that.”

Student: “A drama queen like you always exaggerates the truth.”
Actor: “Oh my God. Did you hear that? I am crushed. I’m quitting this dumb play!”

Radio Producer: “those [women basketball players] are some hardcore hos.”
Radio Host: “… nappy-headed hos.”
(CBS cancels the radio show.)

Neighbor 1: "The new neighbor is so cute. I wonder if he has one of those 'little man' attitudes?"
Neighbor 2: "You mean, is he going to be pushy?"

First Teenage Boy: “Don’t be a wuss.”
Second Teen Boy: “What do you mean?”
First Teen Boy: “Jeez, are you, gay?”
Second Teen Boy: “No, no, no. No way.”

Single Parent: “Anyone who is [GLTB] is not a true Christian.”
Pastor: “If that is what it means to be a Christian, then I am not a Christian.”

I guess what I am trying to say here is that people need to know that when they speak up for what they think is right, it is enough. In fact, speaking up for what we think is right empowers others to speak up for their own values. Whether peers or colleagues will support us does not matter. If we think a wrong is being done, then the response should be immediate and appropriate. Even if we know that we are going to re-evaluate the situation later, it is better to question the action immediately because it lets people know that we have been paying attention and that what is said, and the way it is said, does matter.